I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
