my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I would fuck him just for his dog
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
