if only i could text you this smell
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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