I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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