Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
