Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
