remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
