cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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