dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
