i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
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So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
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Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
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