Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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