so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
