I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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