it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
