i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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