i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
