She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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