my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
