I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
