Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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