Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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