Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm too high and old for this...
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
