Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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