you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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