You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
