The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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