I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
