Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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