soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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