What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Randomize
