I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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