can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
