hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
