He uses pillows to masturbate.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
