a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
