It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I think I am morally bankrupt
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Randomize
