A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
third nipple confirmed
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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