The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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