they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
