Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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