He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
