I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
