everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
