it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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