Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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