Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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