Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
