I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I have fence marks all over my body
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
