Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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