i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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