You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
how drunk are you?
Several
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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