i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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