i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
