Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
