I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
