You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
