I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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