My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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